I was intrigued by the title of your Storybook. This is a very creative and unique idea - I haven't seen anything else like it in this year's or in past storybooks. It will be interesting to see how the Ramayana - ancient, Indian, religious, serious - mixes with football - modern, American, recreational.
Your cover page is fairly simple, but it works - looks sporty.
The premise in your introduction was a little confusing - do people actually travel back in time, or is it more like a museum with pictures, video, etc of Rama playing? Personally, I think a simple museum approach would be clearer, but hey, it's your party.
It also seemed confusing when you said other players were reincarnated forms of the evil characters in the Ramayana - but it's really Rama playing, and later you say he plays against Ravana. Again, just a suggestion, but I feel it would be clearer if you just transported the characters you want into the games, no reincarnation nonsense to deal with.
Another suggestion would be to outline what each of your stories is going to be more clearly. You mention that Rama will play Ravana, so presumably that will take up one story, but we don't know who else he is going to fight. If you could write your intro in a way so that there are four clear stories that will be covered, it will help readers know what to expect and navigate your storybook.
This is a really unique idea, and I can't wait to see what else you do with it.
Tyler, your cover page was really indicative of the story book content which I thought was really helpful and enticing. Since Rama is the focus of the project I think it is fitting to have a picture of him right when you go to your website. The added stadium(s) also serve as good images for the reader to image with when reading your stories. Your introduction created an atmosphere that makes me feel like I am in the audience and listening to the commentator over the intercom. I have never been to an actual OU game before but the way you set up this time machine stadium plot has really got me interested! I could see Rama being an awesome football player who every Sooner fan loves and would enjoy the time machine to experience these great football games against reincarnated Gods, since we live in Norman it is totally relatable on how we tend to idolize great football players of the past. I think you captured this love with the image of the statue in Heisman Park outside the stadium. You include a lot of real-life/present day references, which adds to the excitement and imagery of your storybook. I am excited to see how the games work out with a football/battlefield aspect!
Hey Tyler. As you could probably tell from my own site layout, I am of the opinion that less is more, and I think this principle is in full effect on your page. Although the color scheme is red and white instead of the traditional crimson and cream, it still lends an air or credibility to the setting of your introduction. First off, let me say that I love a good time-travel story. There are so many things to do with that motif, so I'm looking forward to seeing what you come up with. However, I will have to agree with Elena in that the basic concept of your storybook is just a little confusing. So it's only Sooner fans who are time-traveling, but they're only travelling back to the year 2000? And Rama played football for OU during the 2000 season? And the players on the opposing teams are reincarnations of evil characters--not the characters themselves? I feel like I can see where you're going with this, but I think it may need to be fleshed out a bit more. Maybe you could pick a player from the 2000 season and pretend he was a reincarnation of Rama? Then maybe the grueling games of that season can be parallels for Rama's interactions with the evil characters? I'm just throwing stuff out there to see if something sticks. I think your basic idea is solid, and it will be a fun read once you iron out some of the wrinkles. Overall, good job! Keep it up!
Hi Tyler, I picked your story to read because I was intrigued by the title. You site layout was good; it was simple enough to not take away from the words and not be distracting. I like how you wrote most of you story as if it were an announcement. That is a creative way to express what you're trying to say rather than just saying it. Everyone reading your story can relate the excitement of OU football. You have so many options as of what you can do with this story line. I am excited to see which direction you go with it! However, I am a little confused initially on your story intro. I can't figure out how you are going to tell your readers about the story of Rama when the primary focus is his experience on the football field. If I were you, I would choose specific characters to travel back in time and interact with him. That way, you can get more specific. You intro is a little vague but maybe your actual stories will be more in-depth. I would have to agree with Elena, I think a museum would be a good idea for you! Watch out on for run-on sentences and grammatical errors; I found a few. Aside from that, your intro is good! Keep it up!
Hi Tyler! Your cover page is great, I particularly appreciate the effort you made in creating a collage with photos of the future OU bowl stadium. Rama looks especially tough here, too. The layout you have chosen is great for your story. I like how you used OU colors and kept the font basic. Here are my comments on your introduction: Are you sure that “state-of-the-art” is hyphenated like that? Looks kind of strange. I am really enjoying your explanation of what is going on with the new building in the stadium. You are doing a great job of being descriptive while also keeping the reader engaged. Wow, winning the Heisman 4/4 years of college? Impressive. I really like how you used that statistic to backup your opinions of Rama being the best football player ever. Great use of factual information as an addition to your fictional story. It is very creative to incorporate the song by Earth, Wind and Fire into this story! Considering how important those elements have been throughout the Indian Epics assignments, you did a great job! I was just wondering if you are trying to convince your readers that the photo of the Heisman player is Rama? Otherwise, you did a great job. Your work looks like you proof read everything really well and it all flows perfectly. Cannot wait to read more!
Hi Tyler! I've already read and commented on your background and introduction page; i'm glad I get to read your first story! I like how you're lining up your story with the 2014 football season, that's a good way of helping your readers relate to your writing! I think it is good that you put dialogue in your story! That's always helpful in making a story more realistic. I can picture this all playing out in my head! I really enjoyed reading your first story. I would try, if I were you, to include a little more information regarding Rama, Ravana, and Sita from Indian Epics. I learned more about football in your story than Indian History, which is fine with me, but I think we are supposed to include more information about the history for our readers. So maybe think about including some more info regarding the character's individual backgrounds in your story. Your readers may not know the history between Rama and Ravana. My advice to you would be to write to inform as well as entertain. Maybe you were planning on doing that in your coming stories? Other than that, your story looks great and was very enjoyable to read! I hope I get to read some more of your stories! The Kansas State game will be a good one...
Hey, Tyler! What a fun storybook topic- it was really unique and I love how you tied it to the Sooners and modern day figures such as Stoops. The pictures of both Indian epics and the OU football stadium was a really cool fusion of both past and present, and it made me laugh that the “evil” team Ravana was a part of was the Florida State Seminoles. The formatting of the storybook itself was also very good. The white background allowed for the text to show up very clearly but also the crimson at the top was nice and added a touch of color while also representing the Sooners. You set a really fun atmosphere for the OU/TX story when you had the football game be over Sita. It was really creative for you to have it that Sita was an OU cheerleader kidnapped by Ravana and forced to wear burnt orange- how terrible. I also really appreciate how you didn’t just include one picture per day but included multiple to really help add to the story and provide some visual imagery to take in while reading. If anything, I would suggest that you put a picture after every paragraph or something so it will be easier to image the story visually as it’s being read rather than in hindsight. Other than that, it was a wonderful storybook- great job!
I loved the idea of your storybook! What better thing to incorporate with the Indian Epics then football! Haha. Starting from the Site Layout: Your site layout was perfect. Not too distracting but also not too plain. I liked the color scheme and simplicity. That's kind of what I was going for with mine. The less stuff going on, the better. Titlepage: I loved the collage you made. It gave me a quick idea to what your storybook would be about and it also got me excited about the new stadium. Great job! Introduction: I like how you started off with that quote. Instantly pulled me in and got me interested. I also love how you fused the Indian Epics and the history of the Sooners. You were very smooth about bringing Rama into the story. You gave him the perfect introduction to lead into the first story. I also admired the way you portrayed his death. The boating accident, the name of the band, and the album, were all super creative! OU/TX: I loved how the cheerleader got kidnapped and put into TX attire. Also, the pictures you included, really helped me visualize what was going on. Making Chris Simms a reincarnation of Ravana was a smart move as well. The dialogue you included was a positive and helped me move smoothly through the story. I also liked the fan question and answer at the end. Great job Tyler! Improvements: Just a couple of quick things. I think that in your introduction, you should maybe add a couple more details about the time machine and maybe some small details about what your first two stories will consist of. That way the readers know what to expect. Also, I think that at the end of "OU/TX" you should include some sort of sentence that will tell the reader what game or story to look forward to next. Besides those small things, you storybook was a really fun read! Keep it up!
Hey Tyler, I just finished reading your storybook: Lord Rama: The Greatest OU Football Player. And I love the concept. This has to be the most unique concept for a storybook that I have read thus far in this class. The layout of your storybook is nice and clean. The colors you used also go well with the theme of your storybook. I really like the idea of tying in the concept of reincarnation into your stories. It was extremely clever. Your introduction does a good job of setting up how it will all work. Although I think you should add more detail about what the hall of fame building looks like and how fans are transported to Rama's most important games. I feel like this would help the reader's imagery. I also went ahead and read your story for the 2000 OU/TX game. This story is very well written! All the dialogues are well written. I almost found this story a bit humorous. Especially Ravana's dialogues. And having Sita in burnt orange since she had been kidnapped was so funny and clever! I love the concept of having each game be the setting for where Rama will defeat Ravana's various demons. I can't wait to read your next story! Keep up the awesome work.
Hey Tyler, What an exciting concept to do your storybook over! I really liked how you chose to do your storybook over football. It is super unique and definitely captures the eye of the reader! I like the colors you chose for the whole storybook especially the red for OU football. I like how you portrayed Rama and Ravana as players in opposing teams. Your cover page looks great! I would maybe use like a picture of Ravana as well in the cover page so people have an idea of what is about to come. Also, I think your introduction is great with some detail and not much so that the readers are more anticipated each time to read what’s new. I would recommend maybe using some more details into your first story and maybe adding some things that only you know and that only through reading your storybook, we get to find them out! I enjoyed all the various comical dialogues you included in your story as well which was funny! I think your concept is clear and solid and very pleasing! I enjoyed reading the story so far and I can't wait to read more of the stories. Great job again!
Hi Tyler! I absolutely love your storybook! The concept of doing an OU football themed storybook might be my favorite one I have seen yet! For your cover page I really like that you incorporated OU's actual colors and put in images of the stadium. It is really attention grabbing and has a lot of appeal. Your introduction does a great job with informing us on what you are going to be talking about and leaving us wanting to read more. I love that you use real names and made everything very similar to an actual game. This made your story relatable and exciting. Your first story was really fun to read. I was really excited to see how you would actually turn it into a story, and I thought it was a really cool concept to introduce a "time machine" and have everyone re watch a game. Bringing Ravana into the game was brilliant I thought. You were perfectly able to bring in the character while keeping with your story. I thought your writing was great, I was captivated the entire time I was reading it and wanted to read more. I saw one or two grammar errors, so maybe just read through it one more time out loud to catch those, but other than that it was really really great! I definitely look forward to reading more of your storybook in the future!
Hey Tyler!! So this is the first time I have visited your storybook page, and let me just say that when I read the title of your storybook I immediately had to go back and read it again. Picturing Rama as an OU football player was simultaneously absurd and kind of apt, but that was not an image I ever thought I’d imagine, haha. In any case, the title definitely piqued my curiosity, and the images used on your coverpage helped to further evoke the possibilities of the mighty warrior Rama as a star football player at OU.
Then as I progressed on to your introduction, my curiosity only increased—exponentially, in fact, haha. For not only have you placed Rama firmly within the realm of college football, but you have also arranged it so that the opposing teams may take on the guise of some of the villains/enemies Rama had to face in the traditional Indian epics. And I can only imagine how the incorporation of ancient feuds and battles into modern sports will forever transform my perspective on both the ancient epics and the sport of football.
I also love how you have included so many elements of various genres into your stories—modern-day sports, current/recent events, science fiction, futuristic elements, mythology, religion—all of it is fantastic! (And possibly in a literal sense of the word, haha.)
However, in your story “OU vs Texas,” I did find a few grammatical/spelling errors. When you state that “Ravana had kidnapped Sita…” you have “and OU cheerleader” instead of “an OU cheerleader.” Also, when you state Ravana is a “kind of the rakshasa,” you have “demonds” instead of “demons.” Where you have “’You can’t stop me now,’” you have the comma outside of the quotation marks when it should be inside. There are actually a couple instances of punctuation outside of instead of inside of quotes, so just be wary. Additionally, in order to keep tenses consistent, when you state that the Sooners “score the final touchdown,” you should probably have “scored.” I probably missed a few, but just some small things to quickly fix before the end of the project.
Overall, great job! I can’t wait to read more of your stories.
Wow, I really love your theme! I think that it is so creative to bring history and our pride of our campus here at OU together! I love that you chose to tie in football; I think it makes it appealing to a lot of us readers because OU football is already something that is so exciting to the students! I also think your colors are great because they encompass that of the crimson and cream. I like the picture you picked because you were able to successfully bring both elements together despite the fact that they are so different! My only suggestion is to make your picture more in the center of the page. I think it would strengthen the cover page a little bit more! Great job!
I really enjoyed reading your OU vs. TX post in your storybook! I think again that it is such a cleaver and enjoyable theme! Being a huge OU football fan the story definitely caught my attention and I think you did a great job of writing a story that many of the readers can feel that they relate to! I like how the spectators were in the time machine to watch the game and that they were able to ask questions post game! Overall great job so far!
Hey Tyler, This was my first look at your storybook project. As a huge football fan, much like yourself, I am so happy to read something I am personally invested in -- OU football. I like how you used the speech of Castiglione to give your introduction a little bit of mystery and intrigue. In the age of Twitter and Facebook, it would be hilarious to see how people would speculate over the mysterious construction going on. I also would like to see these same people react to Castiglione calling Rama the best player ever. Great work there. I also thought the picture of Rama with the two pictures of OU's stadium were perfect. I can tell that you picked that picture of Rama for its resemblance to the Heisman pose -- or at least that's what I took from it.
I thought it was interesting that you chose Ravana to play on Florida State. Was there a reason for this choice? Is it related to the 2000 National Championship game? I feel like I can think of far more evil teams that Florida State -- Texas or Bama maybe? I think that is something that would have been nice to include in an author's note. Good work, Tyler.
This was my first time getting a look at your storybook and I was immediately attracted to your title. I love OU football and thought the idea of such a strong, moral, honest character being a great OU football player seemed like an awesome idea! I was pleased to see that your coverpage's pictures were beautiful and went really well together. The image you chose of Rama could easily be a candid shot taken while he was at practice, and who doesn't love pictures of the beautiful stadium here at OU?
Your introduction was seriously clever. I loved that you used Castiglione's speech to set up your storybook. You even kept true to his nature when you changed the speech to include his description of Rama. It really sounds like something he would have said. Also, you brought in the concept of college football rivalries and made the opposing (enemy) teams have the characteristics of the villains in the stories we have read about Rama. This was really smart and an awesomely entertaining choice. I think it adds a lot to make the story fit cohesively with your theme!
I LOVED your OU v.s. TX story! I got to go to that game this year for the first time and see the rivalry first-hand! Plus we won! Boomer Sooner! You did a great job capturing the energy of the game and making it connect to your story! Well done!
Hey Tyler! This was my first time reading your storybook and it was a really great one. It had a really unique theme to it and I really liked it. I am a huge football fan and it was really great way you wrote this storybook. It almost like a real life player who was on the Sooner football team. It gets the readers interested in your story to because football is something most people really like and this just helps people connect with the story. The stories you chose to write were also great. They seemed to flow perfectly well and there were no proof reading mistakes that I caught. The way that the story was told there was no boring moment and always kept the readers thinking about what was going to happen next. I really like how you include the fire arrows and how they help Rama sack Ravana. I also like how you included Vayu’s help to Rama when he needed it the most. The one thing that I would change was making Chris Simms the re-incarnation of Ravana. I feel as though since your using Rama, you shoud have used Ravana as himself rather than Chris Simms. Can’t wait to read more stories about Rama as a football player.
Hey Tyler. This is the first time that I’ve visited your storybook, but the title alone was enough to pique my interest! On the coverpage, I really liked the collage that you put together with the various pictures. I don’t have any suggestions to help improve this coverpage. Your sites navigation also appears to work as it should. I also really enjoyed your introduction. I like how you’ve mixed the characters of the Ramayana into something that we can all easily relate to. The idea of a time machine is also very creative and exciting. The only thing that I might suggest is changing Ravana into a Texas football player. It seems fitting since Ravana is Rama’s greatest rival and Rama is now an OU football player! You also might consider moving the picture farther up. Other than that, great job on the introduction! In your first story, I really enjoyed all of the references that you made to the OU campus and the various things that regularly occur here. I did not notice any spelling or grammar mistakes in this story. And again, you did a great job on the collage. I really enjoy how you choose a variety of pictures to introduce the characters as well as the setting. Again, I would recommend moving it farther up so that it isn’t the last thing that we see. You’ve done a great job with your storybook so far and I look forward to read the rest in the weeks to come!
Hi Tyler, I would like to start off by saying that your idea was really creative and your webpage was too. I picked your storybook as an extra credit opportunity this week and your web pages name really got me interested to see how Ram could be a football player. When I went to your page I was impressed to see how the page was Sooner based at the same time how Ram was integrated in. your whole idea and concept for the storybook was really creative and interesting and after reading your introduction I was lead to read your other posts. I thought your introduction was on point, I could not find any grammar errors either so it was a smooth read. In the first post I thought you did a really good job of using conversation to tell your story, it made it interesting because I am so used to reading stories from a narrator’s point of view so it was good to read conversation. You also did a great job of involving Hanuman in the story. Overall I think you did an excellent job on your webpage and also a great job telling stories. I will definitely be back to read more.
I am actually from the Mythology and Folklore class, but for the extra credit opportunity this week, I thought it would be interesting to check out some of the stories from the Indian Epics side. The title of your storybook definitely drew in my attention! Although I am not super familiar with the indian epic stories, I had heard a little bit about Lord Rama before, so I was very interested to see your take of him as an OU football player. I enjoyed how you used the Joe Castiglione in your introduction to set up the rest of the story. It's funny to think of Rama as being a famous OU football player! I idea of using the time machine to go back and witness the accomplishments of Lord Rama is very creative! The many references to the OU campus and other OU events made the first story very relatable for the students at OU. You did a great job with the writing itself as well, as I did not see any grammatical errors throughout the whole story. Overall, great job! I can't wait to hear more about Rama's time as a football player at the University of Oklahoma.
Hi Tyler! I am pretty sure this is my first time visiting your storybook! Your title caught my eye! Good job picking a title that really draws attention. Your storybook coverpage looks great! It is very neat and the image you chose seems to be very fitting. Your introduction also looks good. I am very into OU football so I love how you incorporated it into your storybook. It must be nice to not have to search and search for images of Rama and instead just use an OU stadium one. Your OU TX story was very fitting to the time you wrote it. Did you go to the actual game? I did and it was so much fun! I cannot believe next year will be my last time to go as a student. Anyways, great job on your storybook so far. This was a very creative idea for a storybook and you made it work. Rama is an awesome character in your stories! Your writing style is excellent. Have a great rest of your week!
Hey Tyler! I've read and commented on your storybook before. I had already read your OU/TX story. And as predicted in your story, we won. You most recent story looks good! I like the way you lay out your stories. you put good spacing between each person talking, which makes it easier to read. I got a little confused reading it, as I was trying to tie to in to the original Indian Epics reading. I would make sure that your reader is getting just as much information about the Indian Culture as they are football. You're doing a really good job incorporating football into your theme....making Sita get kidnapped at the OU/TX game, the Heisman Trophy. It was all very clever. I also like how you set up for the next story. It all looks good! Great job!
Hey Tyler! This was the first time I have seen your storybook and I am really amused with what you have done. Making Rama into a great OU football player was an awesome way of modernizing his battles with Ravana and putting them onto the field. Your introduction is straight forward and to the point lining up exactly what it is that you will be talking about in each story. I really liked your version of the Hanuman story and how you managed to fit that in while maintaing your overall theme. I did find a few grammatical issues throughout the 3 stories but they are pretty basic and I'm sure you will catch them with an additional read through. Other than that I think you are doing a really great job and I am excited to read the story that you come up with for the National Championship game against Florida State. Keep up the great work.
Hi Tyler! This is my first time looking at your storybook and I'm doing it for the free week because your title seemed so fun! That was such a clever idea to turn Rama into an OU football player because it really made your story modern and something that everyone at OU can relate to! I think it's so funny that you are making it about the expansion of the stadium! Man, when I read that the opposing player was a version of Ravana I thought that was the funniest thing ever!! So so clever! And then I loved that you put Sita into it and made her a cheerleader! I am just so significantly impressed by your story!! I'm happy you used Sita because the story of Rama and Sita is definitely my favorite that we have read about in this class! I really like the cliff hanger you left at the end of the OU/Texas game story and made it so that the reader has to continue on and read the next story! I like the incorporation of Hanuman in your storybook! Spying on football plays is the perfect idea! I definitely want to come back and read the championship game! Great job!
Upon first visiting your storybook I noticed the depiction of Rama juxtaposed with OU's new stadium images. I was very interested to see how the two vastly different topics would be connected in your storybook. I thought the layout and design of your storybook was great. The crimson and cream colors of the layout went along perfectly with the theme of your storybook. After reading your introduction, I can tell that you must be a huge OU football fan. I laughed at the part where you mention OU going on to defeat the Florida State Seminoles. Not because it won't be able to happen this year, but because if karma were an acting force in the universe I think this would happen this year without a doubt. Jameis Winston has undoubtably racked up some serious negative karma at this point, and he would be utterly destroyed by OU. I loved the detail you went into describing the setting before the games in your stories. This was a really clever way to retell the epic in a setting familiar to all of us OU students. Hopefully after Rama is done with his conquests on the field he can take on the NCAA.
Hey Tyler! I chose to come back and read your storybook for my free choice because I remember reading it earlier in the semester, and I just loved it! I love the storybooks that have a really creative theme to it, and I think the fact that you made it related to OU football and have created a time machine, makes your storybook really fun and exciting to read! Last time I read your storybook, you only had one story posted, so this time I read the second story. I really enjoyed this story because you added humor to it. I really like all of the dialogue you added in and how you related it to things that actually occur here, like the young students taking the older students to the caf. I love that! I think you did a really good job and telling the story as well. I think it was really cool that you made the story of Sita being kidnapped at the OU/TX game and having it relate to your last story. It was really fun and exciting to read, and I enjoyed every minute of it! I look forward to seeing what you have in store for us next, great job!
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I was intrigued by the title of your Storybook. This is a very creative and unique idea - I haven't seen anything else like it in this year's or in past storybooks. It will be interesting to see how the Ramayana - ancient, Indian, religious, serious - mixes with football - modern, American, recreational.
ReplyDeleteYour cover page is fairly simple, but it works - looks sporty.
The premise in your introduction was a little confusing - do people actually travel back in time, or is it more like a museum with pictures, video, etc of Rama playing? Personally, I think a simple museum approach would be clearer, but hey, it's your party.
It also seemed confusing when you said other players were reincarnated forms of the evil characters in the Ramayana - but it's really Rama playing, and later you say he plays against Ravana. Again, just a suggestion, but I feel it would be clearer if you just transported the characters you want into the games, no reincarnation nonsense to deal with.
Another suggestion would be to outline what each of your stories is going to be more clearly. You mention that Rama will play Ravana, so presumably that will take up one story, but we don't know who else he is going to fight. If you could write your intro in a way so that there are four clear stories that will be covered, it will help readers know what to expect and navigate your storybook.
This is a really unique idea, and I can't wait to see what else you do with it.
Tyler, your cover page was really indicative of the story book content which I thought was really helpful and enticing. Since Rama is the focus of the project I think it is fitting to have a picture of him right when you go to your website. The added stadium(s) also serve as good images for the reader to image with when reading your stories. Your introduction created an atmosphere that makes me feel like I am in the audience and listening to the commentator over the intercom. I have never been to an actual OU game before but the way you set up this time machine stadium plot has really got me interested! I could see Rama being an awesome football player who every Sooner fan loves and would enjoy the time machine to experience these great football games against reincarnated Gods, since we live in Norman it is totally relatable on how we tend to idolize great football players of the past. I think you captured this love with the image of the statue in Heisman Park outside the stadium. You include a lot of real-life/present day references, which adds to the excitement and imagery of your storybook. I am excited to see how the games work out with a football/battlefield aspect!
ReplyDeleteHey Tyler. As you could probably tell from my own site layout, I am of the opinion that less is more, and I think this principle is in full effect on your page. Although the color scheme is red and white instead of the traditional crimson and cream, it still lends an air or credibility to the setting of your introduction. First off, let me say that I love a good time-travel story. There are so many things to do with that motif, so I'm looking forward to seeing what you come up with. However, I will have to agree with Elena in that the basic concept of your storybook is just a little confusing. So it's only Sooner fans who are time-traveling, but they're only travelling back to the year 2000? And Rama played football for OU during the 2000 season? And the players on the opposing teams are reincarnations of evil characters--not the characters themselves? I feel like I can see where you're going with this, but I think it may need to be fleshed out a bit more. Maybe you could pick a player from the 2000 season and pretend he was a reincarnation of Rama? Then maybe the grueling games of that season can be parallels for Rama's interactions with the evil characters? I'm just throwing stuff out there to see if something sticks. I think your basic idea is solid, and it will be a fun read once you iron out some of the wrinkles. Overall, good job! Keep it up!
ReplyDeleteHi Tyler,
ReplyDeleteI picked your story to read because I was intrigued by the title. You site layout was good; it was simple enough to not take away from the words and not be distracting.
I like how you wrote most of you story as if it were an announcement. That is a creative way to express what you're trying to say rather than just saying it. Everyone reading your story can relate the excitement of OU football.
You have so many options as of what you can do with this story line. I am excited to see which direction you go with it!
However, I am a little confused initially on your story intro. I can't figure out how you are going to tell your readers about the story of Rama when the primary focus is his experience on the football field. If I were you, I would choose specific characters to travel back in time and interact with him. That way, you can get more specific. You intro is a little vague but maybe your actual stories will be more in-depth. I would have to agree with Elena, I think a museum would be a good idea for you!
Watch out on for run-on sentences and grammatical errors; I found a few. Aside from that, your intro is good! Keep it up!
Hi Tyler! Your cover page is great, I particularly appreciate the effort you made in creating a collage with photos of the future OU bowl stadium. Rama looks especially tough here, too.
ReplyDeleteThe layout you have chosen is great for your story. I like how you used OU colors and kept the font basic.
Here are my comments on your introduction:
Are you sure that “state-of-the-art” is hyphenated like that? Looks kind of strange.
I am really enjoying your explanation of what is going on with the new building in the stadium. You are doing a great job of being descriptive while also keeping the reader engaged.
Wow, winning the Heisman 4/4 years of college? Impressive. I really like how you used that statistic to backup your opinions of Rama being the best football player ever.
Great use of factual information as an addition to your fictional story. It is very creative to incorporate the song by Earth, Wind and Fire into this story! Considering how important those elements have been throughout the Indian Epics assignments, you did a great job! I was just wondering if you are trying to convince your readers that the photo of the Heisman player is Rama? Otherwise, you did a great job. Your work looks like you proof read everything really well and it all flows perfectly. Cannot wait to read more!
Hi Tyler!
ReplyDeleteI've already read and commented on your background and introduction page; i'm glad I get to read your first story!
I like how you're lining up your story with the 2014 football season, that's a good way of helping your readers relate to your writing! I think it is good that you put dialogue in your story! That's always helpful in making a story more realistic. I can picture this all playing out in my head!
I really enjoyed reading your first story. I would try, if I were you, to include a little more information regarding Rama, Ravana, and Sita from Indian Epics. I learned more about football in your story than Indian History, which is fine with me, but I think we are supposed to include more information about the history for our readers. So maybe think about including some more info regarding the character's individual backgrounds in your story. Your readers may not know the history between Rama and Ravana. My advice to you would be to write to inform as well as entertain. Maybe you were planning on doing that in your coming stories?
Other than that, your story looks great and was very enjoyable to read! I hope I get to read some more of your stories! The Kansas State game will be a good one...
Hey, Tyler! What a fun storybook topic- it was really unique and I love how you tied it to the Sooners and modern day figures such as Stoops. The pictures of both Indian epics and the OU football stadium was a really cool fusion of both past and present, and it made me laugh that the “evil” team Ravana was a part of was the Florida State Seminoles. The formatting of the storybook itself was also very good. The white background allowed for the text to show up very clearly but also the crimson at the top was nice and added a touch of color while also representing the Sooners. You set a really fun atmosphere for the OU/TX story when you had the football game be over Sita. It was really creative for you to have it that Sita was an OU cheerleader kidnapped by Ravana and forced to wear burnt orange- how terrible. I also really appreciate how you didn’t just include one picture per day but included multiple to really help add to the story and provide some visual imagery to take in while reading. If anything, I would suggest that you put a picture after every paragraph or something so it will be easier to image the story visually as it’s being read rather than in hindsight. Other than that, it was a wonderful storybook- great job!
ReplyDeleteTyler,
ReplyDeleteI loved the idea of your storybook! What better thing to incorporate with the Indian Epics then football! Haha.
Starting from the Site Layout: Your site layout was perfect. Not too distracting but also not too plain. I liked the color scheme and simplicity. That's kind of what I was going for with mine. The less stuff going on, the better.
Titlepage: I loved the collage you made. It gave me a quick idea to what your storybook would be about and it also got me excited about the new stadium. Great job!
Introduction: I like how you started off with that quote. Instantly pulled me in and got me interested. I also love how you fused the Indian Epics and the history of the Sooners. You were very smooth about bringing Rama into the story. You gave him the perfect introduction to lead into the first story. I also admired the way you portrayed his death. The boating accident, the name of the band, and the album, were all super creative!
OU/TX: I loved how the cheerleader got kidnapped and put into TX attire. Also, the pictures you included, really helped me visualize what was going on. Making Chris Simms a reincarnation of Ravana was a smart move as well. The dialogue you included was a positive and helped me move smoothly through the story. I also liked the fan question and answer at the end. Great job Tyler!
Improvements: Just a couple of quick things. I think that in your introduction, you should maybe add a couple more details about the time machine and maybe some small details about what your first two stories will consist of. That way the readers know what to expect. Also, I think that at the end of "OU/TX" you should include some sort of sentence that will tell the reader what game or story to look forward to next. Besides those small things, you storybook was a really fun read! Keep it up!
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ReplyDeleteHey Tyler, I just finished reading your storybook: Lord Rama: The Greatest OU Football Player. And I love the concept. This has to be the most unique concept for a storybook that I have read thus far in this class. The layout of your storybook is nice and clean. The colors you used also go well with the theme of your storybook. I really like the idea of tying in the concept of reincarnation into your stories. It was extremely clever. Your introduction does a good job of setting up how it will all work. Although I think you should add more detail about what the hall of fame building looks like and how fans are transported to Rama's most important games. I feel like this would help the reader's imagery. I also went ahead and read your story for the 2000 OU/TX game. This story is very well written! All the dialogues are well written. I almost found this story a bit humorous. Especially Ravana's dialogues. And having Sita in burnt orange since she had been kidnapped was so funny and clever! I love the concept of having each game be the setting for where Rama will defeat Ravana's various demons. I can't wait to read your next story! Keep up the awesome work.
ReplyDeleteHey Tyler, What an exciting concept to do your storybook over! I really liked how you chose to do your storybook over football. It is super unique and definitely captures the eye of the reader! I like the colors you chose for the whole storybook especially the red for OU football. I like how you portrayed Rama and Ravana as players in opposing teams. Your cover page looks great! I would maybe use like a picture of Ravana as well in the cover page so people have an idea of what is about to come. Also, I think your introduction is great with some detail and not much so that the readers are more anticipated each time to read what’s new. I would recommend maybe using some more details into your first story and maybe adding some things that only you know and that only through reading your storybook, we get to find them out! I enjoyed all the various comical dialogues you included in your story as well which was funny! I think your concept is clear and solid and very pleasing! I enjoyed reading the story so far and I can't wait to read more of the stories. Great job again!
ReplyDeleteHi Tyler! I absolutely love your storybook! The concept of doing an OU football themed storybook might be my favorite one I have seen yet! For your cover page I really like that you incorporated OU's actual colors and put in images of the stadium. It is really attention grabbing and has a lot of appeal. Your introduction does a great job with informing us on what you are going to be talking about and leaving us wanting to read more. I love that you use real names and made everything very similar to an actual game. This made your story relatable and exciting. Your first story was really fun to read. I was really excited to see how you would actually turn it into a story, and I thought it was a really cool concept to introduce a "time machine" and have everyone re watch a game. Bringing Ravana into the game was brilliant I thought. You were perfectly able to bring in the character while keeping with your story. I thought your writing was great, I was captivated the entire time I was reading it and wanted to read more. I saw one or two grammar errors, so maybe just read through it one more time out loud to catch those, but other than that it was really really great! I definitely look forward to reading more of your storybook in the future!
ReplyDeleteHey Tyler!! So this is the first time I have visited your storybook page, and let me just say that when I read the title of your storybook I immediately had to go back and read it again. Picturing Rama as an OU football player was simultaneously absurd and kind of apt, but that was not an image I ever thought I’d imagine, haha. In any case, the title definitely piqued my curiosity, and the images used on your coverpage helped to further evoke the possibilities of the mighty warrior Rama as a star football player at OU.
ReplyDeleteThen as I progressed on to your introduction, my curiosity only increased—exponentially, in fact, haha. For not only have you placed Rama firmly within the realm of college football, but you have also arranged it so that the opposing teams may take on the guise of some of the villains/enemies Rama had to face in the traditional Indian epics. And I can only imagine how the incorporation of ancient feuds and battles into modern sports will forever transform my perspective on both the ancient epics and the sport of football.
I also love how you have included so many elements of various genres into your stories—modern-day sports, current/recent events, science fiction, futuristic elements, mythology, religion—all of it is fantastic! (And possibly in a literal sense of the word, haha.)
However, in your story “OU vs Texas,” I did find a few grammatical/spelling errors. When you state that “Ravana had kidnapped Sita…” you have “and OU cheerleader” instead of “an OU cheerleader.” Also, when you state Ravana is a “kind of the rakshasa,” you have “demonds” instead of “demons.” Where you have “’You can’t stop me now,’” you have the comma outside of the quotation marks when it should be inside. There are actually a couple instances of punctuation outside of instead of inside of quotes, so just be wary. Additionally, in order to keep tenses consistent, when you state that the Sooners “score the final touchdown,” you should probably have “scored.” I probably missed a few, but just some small things to quickly fix before the end of the project.
Overall, great job! I can’t wait to read more of your stories.
Wow, I really love your theme! I think that it is so creative to bring history and our pride of our campus here at OU together! I love that you chose to tie in football; I think it makes it appealing to a lot of us readers because OU football is already something that is so exciting to the students! I also think your colors are great because they encompass that of the crimson and cream. I like the picture you picked because you were able to successfully bring both elements together despite the fact that they are so different! My only suggestion is to make your picture more in the center of the page. I think it would strengthen the cover page a little bit more! Great job!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading your OU vs. TX post in your storybook! I think again that it is such a cleaver and enjoyable theme! Being a huge OU football fan the story definitely caught my attention and I think you did a great job of writing a story that many of the readers can feel that they relate to! I like how the spectators were in the time machine to watch the game and that they were able to ask questions post game! Overall great job so far!
Hey Tyler,
ReplyDeleteThis was my first look at your storybook project. As a huge football fan, much like yourself, I am so happy to read something I am personally invested in -- OU football. I like how you used the speech of Castiglione to give your introduction a little bit of mystery and intrigue. In the age of Twitter and Facebook, it would be hilarious to see how people would speculate over the mysterious construction going on. I also would like to see these same people react to Castiglione calling Rama the best player ever. Great work there. I also thought the picture of Rama with the two pictures of OU's stadium were perfect. I can tell that you picked that picture of Rama for its resemblance to the Heisman pose -- or at least that's what I took from it.
I thought it was interesting that you chose Ravana to play on Florida State. Was there a reason for this choice? Is it related to the 2000 National Championship game? I feel like I can think of far more evil teams that Florida State -- Texas or Bama maybe? I think that is something that would have been nice to include in an author's note. Good work, Tyler.
Hey Tyler,
ReplyDeleteThis was my first time getting a look at your storybook and I was immediately attracted to your title. I love OU football and thought the idea of such a strong, moral, honest character being a great OU football player seemed like an awesome idea! I was pleased to see that your coverpage's pictures were beautiful and went really well together. The image you chose of Rama could easily be a candid shot taken while he was at practice, and who doesn't love pictures of the beautiful stadium here at OU?
Your introduction was seriously clever. I loved that you used Castiglione's speech to set up your storybook. You even kept true to his nature when you changed the speech to include his description of Rama. It really sounds like something he would have said. Also, you brought in the concept of college football rivalries and made the opposing (enemy) teams have the characteristics of the villains in the stories we have read about Rama. This was really smart and an awesomely entertaining choice. I think it adds a lot to make the story fit cohesively with your theme!
I LOVED your OU v.s. TX story! I got to go to that game this year for the first time and see the rivalry first-hand! Plus we won! Boomer Sooner! You did a great job capturing the energy of the game and making it connect to your story! Well done!
Hey Tyler! This was my first time reading your storybook and it was a really great one. It had a really unique theme to it and I really liked it. I am a huge football fan and it was really great way you wrote this storybook. It almost like a real life player who was on the Sooner football team. It gets the readers interested in your story to because football is something most people really like and this just helps people connect with the story. The stories you chose to write were also great. They seemed to flow perfectly well and there were no proof reading mistakes that I caught. The way that the story was told there was no boring moment and always kept the readers thinking about what was going to happen next. I really like how you include the fire arrows and how they help Rama sack Ravana. I also like how you included Vayu’s help to Rama when he needed it the most. The one thing that I would change was making Chris Simms the re-incarnation of Ravana. I feel as though since your using Rama, you shoud have used Ravana as himself rather than Chris Simms. Can’t wait to read more stories about Rama as a football player.
ReplyDeleteHey Tyler. This is the first time that I’ve visited your storybook, but the title alone was enough to pique my interest! On the coverpage, I really liked the collage that you put together with the various pictures. I don’t have any suggestions to help improve this coverpage. Your sites navigation also appears to work as it should.
ReplyDeleteI also really enjoyed your introduction. I like how you’ve mixed the characters of the Ramayana into something that we can all easily relate to. The idea of a time machine is also very creative and exciting. The only thing that I might suggest is changing Ravana into a Texas football player. It seems fitting since Ravana is Rama’s greatest rival and Rama is now an OU football player! You also might consider moving the picture farther up. Other than that, great job on the introduction!
In your first story, I really enjoyed all of the references that you made to the OU campus and the various things that regularly occur here. I did not notice any spelling or grammar mistakes in this story. And again, you did a great job on the collage. I really enjoy how you choose a variety of pictures to introduce the characters as well as the setting. Again, I would recommend moving it farther up so that it isn’t the last thing that we see. You’ve done a great job with your storybook so far and I look forward to read the rest in the weeks to come!
Hi Tyler, I would like to start off by saying that your idea was really creative and your webpage was too. I picked your storybook as an extra credit opportunity this week and your web pages name really got me interested to see how Ram could be a football player. When I went to your page I was impressed to see how the page was Sooner based at the same time how Ram was integrated in. your whole idea and concept for the storybook was really creative and interesting and after reading your introduction I was lead to read your other posts. I thought your introduction was on point, I could not find any grammar errors either so it was a smooth read. In the first post I thought you did a really good job of using conversation to tell your story, it made it interesting because I am so used to reading stories from a narrator’s point of view so it was good to read conversation. You also did a great job of involving Hanuman in the story. Overall I think you did an excellent job on your webpage and also a great job telling stories. I will definitely be back to read more.
ReplyDeleteHey Tyler!
ReplyDeleteI am actually from the Mythology and Folklore class, but for the extra credit opportunity this week, I thought it would be interesting to check out some of the stories from the Indian Epics side. The title of your storybook definitely drew in my attention! Although I am not super familiar with the indian epic stories, I had heard a little bit about Lord Rama before, so I was very interested to see your take of him as an OU football player. I enjoyed how you used the Joe Castiglione in your introduction to set up the rest of the story. It's funny to think of Rama as being a famous OU football player! I idea of using the time machine to go back and witness the accomplishments of Lord Rama is very creative! The many references to the OU campus and other OU events made the first story very relatable for the students at OU. You did a great job with the writing itself as well, as I did not see any grammatical errors throughout the whole story. Overall, great job! I can't wait to hear more about Rama's time as a football player at the University of Oklahoma.
Hi Tyler! I am pretty sure this is my first time visiting your storybook! Your title caught my eye! Good job picking a title that really draws attention. Your storybook coverpage looks great! It is very neat and the image you chose seems to be very fitting. Your introduction also looks good. I am very into OU football so I love how you incorporated it into your storybook. It must be nice to not have to search and search for images of Rama and instead just use an OU stadium one. Your OU TX story was very fitting to the time you wrote it. Did you go to the actual game? I did and it was so much fun! I cannot believe next year will be my last time to go as a student. Anyways, great job on your storybook so far. This was a very creative idea for a storybook and you made it work. Rama is an awesome character in your stories! Your writing style is excellent. Have a great rest of your week!
ReplyDeleteHey Tyler!
ReplyDeleteI've read and commented on your storybook before. I had already read your OU/TX story. And as predicted in your story, we won.
You most recent story looks good! I like the way you lay out your stories. you put good spacing between each person talking, which makes it easier to read.
I got a little confused reading it, as I was trying to tie to in to the original Indian Epics reading. I would make sure that your reader is getting just as much information about the Indian Culture as they are football.
You're doing a really good job incorporating football into your theme....making Sita get kidnapped at the OU/TX game, the Heisman Trophy. It was all very clever.
I also like how you set up for the next story.
It all looks good! Great job!
Hey Tyler! This was the first time I have seen your storybook and I am really amused with what you have done. Making Rama into a great OU football player was an awesome way of modernizing his battles with Ravana and putting them onto the field. Your introduction is straight forward and to the point lining up exactly what it is that you will be talking about in each story. I really liked your version of the Hanuman story and how you managed to fit that in while maintaing your overall theme. I did find a few grammatical issues throughout the 3 stories but they are pretty basic and I'm sure you will catch them with an additional read through. Other than that I think you are doing a really great job and I am excited to read the story that you come up with for the National Championship game against Florida State. Keep up the great work.
ReplyDeleteHi Tyler! This is my first time looking at your storybook and I'm doing it for the free week because your title seemed so fun! That was such a clever idea to turn Rama into an OU football player because it really made your story modern and something that everyone at OU can relate to! I think it's so funny that you are making it about the expansion of the stadium! Man, when I read that the opposing player was a version of Ravana I thought that was the funniest thing ever!! So so clever! And then I loved that you put Sita into it and made her a cheerleader! I am just so significantly impressed by your story!! I'm happy you used Sita because the story of Rama and Sita is definitely my favorite that we have read about in this class! I really like the cliff hanger you left at the end of the OU/Texas game story and made it so that the reader has to continue on and read the next story! I like the incorporation of Hanuman in your storybook! Spying on football plays is the perfect idea! I definitely want to come back and read the championship game! Great job!
ReplyDeleteUpon first visiting your storybook I noticed the depiction of Rama juxtaposed with OU's new stadium images. I was very interested to see how the two vastly different topics would be connected in your storybook. I thought the layout and design of your storybook was great. The crimson and cream colors of the layout went along perfectly with the theme of your storybook. After reading your introduction, I can tell that you must be a huge OU football fan. I laughed at the part where you mention OU going on to defeat the Florida State Seminoles. Not because it won't be able to happen this year, but because if karma were an acting force in the universe I think this would happen this year without a doubt. Jameis Winston has undoubtably racked up some serious negative karma at this point, and he would be utterly destroyed by OU. I loved the detail you went into describing the setting before the games in your stories. This was a really clever way to retell the epic in a setting familiar to all of us OU students. Hopefully after Rama is done with his conquests on the field he can take on the NCAA.
ReplyDeleteHey Tyler! I chose to come back and read your storybook for my free choice because I remember reading it earlier in the semester, and I just loved it! I love the storybooks that have a really creative theme to it, and I think the fact that you made it related to OU football and have created a time machine, makes your storybook really fun and exciting to read! Last time I read your storybook, you only had one story posted, so this time I read the second story. I really enjoyed this story because you added humor to it. I really like all of the dialogue you added in and how you related it to things that actually occur here, like the young students taking the older students to the caf. I love that! I think you did a really good job and telling the story as well. I think it was really cool that you made the story of Sita being kidnapped at the OU/TX game and having it relate to your last story. It was really fun and exciting to read, and I enjoyed every minute of it! I look forward to seeing what you have in store for us next, great job!
ReplyDelete